


11. hallucinations

by restmyheadatnightcontent



Series: febuwhump 2021 [11]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Blood and Injury, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Jaskier | Dandelion Whump, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29357967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restmyheadatnightcontent/pseuds/restmyheadatnightcontent
Summary: He doesn’t know what is real and what is not anymore.There is a doctor that comes sometimes. He is old and emotionless. He stands next to Jaskiers bed and strokes his hair.“We’re going to make you strong. You will be indestructible.”He whispers promises into his ear and then Jaskier feels something being injected into his arms, a cold feeling spreads through him and his eyes are slipping shut once again.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Series: febuwhump 2021 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2139954
Comments: 2
Kudos: 57





	11. hallucinations

**Author's Note:**

> follow up to [ this! ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29224836)

He doesn’t know what is real and what is not anymore.

There is a doctor that comes sometimes. He is old and emotionless. He stands next to Jaskiers bed and strokes his hair.

“ _We’re going to make you strong. You will be indestructible.”_

He whispers promises into his ear and then Jaskier feels something being injected into his arms, a cold feeling spreads through him and his eyes are slipping shut once again.

*

Sometimes it is mother. She looks tired, her blue eyes hollow, her face devoid of feeling.

_“I always wanted a daughter. But instead I got you. I never wanted a son. I never wanted you.”_

He cries, cries out for her, cries for the boy who only ever wanted her to love him, only wanted seek comfort in his mothers arms. Mourning the years he lost, trying to make himself someone she could love, a child she would want. But she is impervious to his tears, she just continues to stand there and stare through him. __  
  


*

Sometimes it is Geralt who comes. He stands next to the bed and stares at him. The familiar golden eyes that are usually filled with love and warmth have turned cold and angry.

“ _This is your fault Jaskier. You always get us into trouble. This would be so much easier if you weren’t here. We’re always cleaning up your messes, and I’ve had enough of it. I’ve had enough of you.”_

There is no exasperation or affection in his tone that is normally present, his voice is flat and emotionless.

Jaskier struggles, tries to plead with Geralt, tries to reach out to him but he can’t, and then the cold is coming back again and when he wakes up, Geralt is gone.

*

Sometimes it is just pain. Something burns beneath his skin and it feels as though he is being stabbed with a million knives. He thrashes and turns in order to escape it, but with every movement it only intensifies. He feels the screams rip their way from his throat, but he cannot hear them over the pulsing in his ears, his heart beating so wildly that he feels it will give out at any moment. It seems to last forever, and he is sure that every second will be his last, that the heat inside will be too much and he will explode, that there will be nothing left of him. But then he feels the cold creeping through him again and it all stops for just a moment.

*

Sometimes it is Yennefer. She stands there with a sharp smile on her face, but it is distant and impersonal,lacking its usual fondness. Her violet eyes drill into him and he feels pinned under her icy gaze.

“ _You really are a terrible spy Jaskier. Too loud, too unreliable, too much. You are too much to love Jaskier. I never loved you, I always loved Geralt more, and I always will. No-one could ever love you.”_

The words hit him like a punch and tears spring to his eyes. He calls to her, promises that he will be better, that he can change. But she doesn’t listen, just turns away as the cold envelops him once again.

*

Sometimes it is father. He stands there with a stern look in his eyes and his fists clenched. His brown hair is meticulously combed, not a single strand out of place and the frown firmly planted on his face the only outward sign of his displeasure.

“ _You always were such a disappointment. I just wanted a son that would make me proud. You couldn’t even manage that. You were just weak.”_

Jaskier withers at the words, feel himself turning back into that scared little boy he thought he had buried deep inside himself. The boy desperate to bring a smile to his fathers face, for a hand to ruffle his playfully, to clasp his shoulder.

*

Sometimes it is Essi. She is the worst one. He dreads is whenever she makes an appearance. She stands there, looking exactly as she did when she died. Her eyes are glassy, her face bloody and bruised, and the dark red stain spreads across her torso as she talks.

_“It was all your fault Jaskier. I died because of you. Because you were too busy chasing the thrill, the high. You never thought about anyone else, cared about anyone else. And it got me killed. You got me killed.”_

He begs her for forgiveness, bargains with every god he can think to bring her back, sobs at the memory of his hands pushing uselessly down onto her stomach, desperate to stop the blood that was pouring out of her, all in vain as he watched the light drain from her eyes.

*

The words swirl in his head - _too much your fault could never love you weak never wanted you your fault dead because of you weak too much your fault –_ and he can’t escape them. Their faces blur together as they lean over him and he can see the hate burning in their eyes. 

It is never-ending and he just wants it all to stop.

*

He opens his eyes and sees Geralt again. But he looks different than he usually does. He looks more tired, his hair is dishevelled and there are bruises and cuts on his face. His mouth is moving, but Jaskier cannot hear a word of it. Then his hands reach out to cup Jaskiers cheek.

They never touch him, that never happens. He wonders distantly if they’ve changed the drugs, and that’s why the visions are changing. He savours it while he can, this Geralt touches him with softness and care, things he hasn’t felt in weeks. He wants to cherish this feeling before it inevitably vanishes.

Then his head is being turned and he finds himself looking into a familiar pair of violet eyes. He frowns, they are never here together – something is different, something must be wrong. He feels his chest tightening, this is finally the moment he has lost it – they’ve broken him.

Yennefer is saying something but he can’t hear it over the roaring of his blood in his head. He glances past her and there is a familiar shape standing there. They are blurry but he recognises the curve of their shoulders. It’s Eskel. He has never imagined Eskel before.

Hope bursts in his chest. Maybe this is real, they are really here and they are going to get him out. But before he can form any more coherent thoughts, he feels something wash over him and his eyes are sliding shut. It is not the cold from before, but rather a familiar warmth.

*

The next time he awakes, he isn’t in the lab anymore. Something rumbles beneath him and he opens his eyes to see the blurry forms of Geralt and Yennefer above him. Judging from the angle, he must be lying with his head in Geralts lap. They are having a frantic conversation, but Jaskier cannot catch any of it. Everything is muffled and he feels as though he is underwater.

He is jostled as they pass over a bump, and it draws a groan from him. The conversation stops suddenly above him and he is soon met with two pairs of worried eyes looking down at him. He can feel Geralt steady beneath him and Yennefers fingers as they reach down to run through his hair. There is so much he wants to ask them, to tell them, but he needs to check something first.

“Real?” he asks in a rough voice. _Is this real? Are you really here?_ is what he wants to ask but his tongue feels heavy in his mouth and he has to fight to even get the one word out.

He blinks again and their faces clear above him. He can see the small smiles on both their faces.

“Yes, Jaskier, this is real.”

**Author's Note:**

> kudos & comments greatly appreciated! i also want to thank everyone that has been commenting on the other works in this series - i haven't got round to replying to them yet but i read them and they all make me so happy<3


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